Do you know the feeling of knowing that you are awake, but you still dream? And no matter how hard you try, you just can't open your eyes? Caught in a nightmare, and you know it, but you just can't force yourself to let go of it? It's a horrible feeling. It has happened a lot lately, I'm just drifting away from countiousness, still not falling asleep. Like daydreaming, only nightmares instead of those beautiful dreams I used to have. Just real-life nightmares, scenarios which may just as well come true considering my mental state of health. They don't scare you the way a real nightmare do, they just make you feel really really bad and nauseous. My life is turning into a mental nightmare caused by myself...

Theses last weeks, I haven't been able to think clear at all. I've felt lost, confused, drifted away. I can't remember anything that's happened before yesterday. I don't eat, I don't sleep, I just lay on my bed, eyes closed, thinking, thinking, thinking. That's all I do.
I do some really strange things all the time, things I've never done before. For example, an hour ago, when I took a shower, for the first time several days, I suddenly changed the water temperature to really hot, and aimed the stream at my arm until I burnt it, then changed to really cold water, still aiming at my arm, until I couldn't feel it anymore. I saw myself doing it, but I didn't feel a thing, and couldn't do anything, didn't try to do anything to make it stop. I have no idea what's going on anymore.

It feels like reality drifts further and further away from me, and I'm lost somewhere deep within myself...